Have things felt a bit “off” in the bedroom recently? Maybe sex has dwindled because he’s stopped initiating and now you’re worried why he doesn’t want you sexually anymore. It can really hurt and you may feel confused because one of the main cultural messages we receive about sex is, “men want sex all the time”. So why doesn’t your boyfriend want to have sex with you? Is it your fault? Does he not find you attractive anymore? Is he cheating on you?! You may be seriously worried about your relationship right now, but all is not lost, there are many different reasons for him losing his sex drive¹ and often they have nothing to do with you or your relationship.

Navigating sex and intimacy in a relationship can be a confusing at times, especially when you’re not sure why your partner doesn’t want to have sex. But it doesn’t have to be! If you‘d like to chat, I’m The Lowdown’s resident sex coach, and we can discuss everything from mismatched libidos, to a loss of intimacy, and lots in between.

Let’s explore the most common signs he doesn’t want you sexually and what you can do about it.

Signs he doesn’t want you sexually

1. He stops initiating sex and/or any kind of physical intimacy with you, like kissing, touching, or hugging
2. When you try initiate sex or start touching him, he turns away, takes your hand off, or otherwise deflects your advances
3. He stops making eye contact with you or his body language is generally closed off, especially if you bring up the topic of intimacy or try to touch him
4. If you bring up the topic of sex, he changes the subject or deflects it. He is not open to talking about it or broaching the topic
5. He avoids spending time with you, for example, by overworking, spending more time online, going out with his mates, or “phubbing” you— i.e. ignoring you by going on his phone when you’re together
6. He’s partying harder and drinking more heavily
7. He seems checked out and less emotionally available. During sex he seems “not there”, almost like he’s on autopilot, and when you’re together he seems more closed off
8. He goes to bed before you, or a long time after you’ve gone to bed, so that one of you is asleep or distracted, taking sex off the menu
9. The sex you’re having has changed in a way that feels strange to you. When you do have sex, he’s trying to get it finished as soon as possible, he no longer gives you oral sex or spends time on foreplay, or he doesn’t make the same sounds or moves as usual
10. Something just doesn’t feel right to you when you’re having sex or when you’re physically intimate with each other. You can’t put your finger on it, but something feels different and your instincts are firing off that something feels wrong
11. He won’t let you see him naked or seems very self-conscious. He closes the door when he’s changing, he wears a t-shirt during sex, or he doesn’t want you to take his clothes off
12. There are other issues in your relationship. You’re arguing more, or you’re talking a lot less, he’s getting wound up over little things that didn’t bother him before, he’s not being physically affectionate anymore or doing the little considerate things he used to, like texting throughout the day